Love And Lavender Marriages: How Hiding Sexual Orientation Can Impact Mental Health

Historically speaking, marrying for love hasn’t always been the expectation. Up until the 18th and 19th centuries, marriages were often arranged for economic or political reasons, with the couple’s feelings playing a secondary role if they were considered at all. Today, arranged marriages still exist in parts of the world, prioritizing factors like family background, social standing, and compatibility over romantic feelings; however, predetermined marriages are typically arranged with the idea that romantic love will follow with time. 

In still other marriages, arrangements are made to conceal one or both partners' true sexuality, or to subvert societal norms skewed practically and economically towards heterosexuality in relationships. Here, we’ll explore why some enter such unions—called lavender marriages—and under which circumstances they’ve gained popularity. We’ll also explore the potential psychological and emotional repercussions of hiding one’s sexuality.  

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What is a lavender marriage?

More recently, the term is also being used to describe platonic partnerships, sometimes called platonic marriages, where the married couple is not romantically or sexually involved but chooses to wed for various reasons like financial stability, companionship, or shared living. 

Modern-day relevance of sex and marriage in lavender couples

Today, social media and internet culture have played a significant role in spotlighting and encouraging discussion around the topic of lavender marriage in the mainstream, particularly among younger generations. Some even use social media platforms to advertise for potential lavender marriage partners. Reasons why people might seek this type of lavender relationship arrangement may include:

• Sharing the cost of living and other economic responsibilities
• Insurance benefits and tax breaks
• Built-in domestic support to share caring for a home and children (if one or both partners are parents)
• Emotional support without sexual intimacy
• The comfort of independence coupled with the security of a spouse
• Feeling safer and more cared for than coupling in the “dating scene”

Modern cultural influences on sexuality

Conversations around lavender marriages reflect shifting understandings of love, marriage, and sexuality in society today. These changes suggest moving beyond exclusively equating marriage with romantic love and towards a recognition that marriages can be valid and fulfilling in many forms, including when built primarily on a foundation of deep friendship and shared values.

Modern lavender marriages share similarities with QPRs (Queerplatonic relationships), which emphasize deep emotional connection, mutual respect, and commitment without romantic or sexual expectations. This overlap highlights a growing desire many people have to build intimate relationships of mutual support that defy traditional labels. Additionally, lavender marriage arrangements can be appealing to people on the asexual or aromantic spectrum, as some on this spectrum may choose to prioritize companionship and emotional closeness over sex and/or romance. 

Lavender marriage as a mask: familial expectations and cultural pressures to be heterosexual 

While potentially offering short-term relief from external pressures, the existence of lavender marriages underscores the ongoing struggle many LGBTQ+ individuals face to live authentically in a world that often demands conformity to heterosexual norms. Lavender marriages can have a significant emotional and psychological toll on individuals when they’re entered into primarily to suppress their true identity from their families and/or society.

Sex and marriage of the lavender type in the context of familial expectations

In some cultures, being openly queer may be seen as “tarnishing” the family name or bringing dishonor, compelling individuals to marry heterosexually to appease relatives and maintain social standing. Coming out to family members, especially in less accepting contexts, can lead to tension, conflict, or even disownment, making a lavender marriage a way to potentially avoid confrontation and preserve relationships. 

Additionally, many cultures—particularly those with strong traditional values or religious beliefs—exert immense pressure on individuals to marry someone of the “opposite sex” and then biologically reproduce with them. By extension, families in such cultures or societies often harbor a strong desire to continue the family line, viewing heterosexual marriage and procreation as the natural path to reaching this goal.

Lavender marriages and societal pressures to identify with a heterosexual orientation

Many societies operate under a pervasive assumption that everyone is inherently heterosexual. (This is known as heteronormativity.) This expectation can create a default framework where anything outside of monogamous, heterosexual identities and relationships is often considered deviant or requiring explanation. Lavender weddings sometimes serve to cope with such societal expectations. 

Despite increasing acceptance, many LGBTQ+ individuals still face significant stigma, discrimination, and other potential repercussions for living as their authentic selves in some societies or areas. These can include social exclusion, harassment, and violence. In certain contexts, being openly LGBTQ+ can also impact legal rights, inheritance, or career advancement, especially in public-facing roles or industries sensitive to public perception. Lavender marriages can provide a facade of conformity for navigating or avoiding these challenges.

Sex, emotions, and potential complications in lavender marriages 

Emotional issues may emerge in cases where the nature of the lavender marriage is clear to both partners, but where they struggle to communicate openly and honestly about their feelings, expectations, and needs. For example, expectations and boundaries around intimacy might shift with time. It can complicate the arrangement if one or both partners develops sexual or romantic feelings for their lavender partner or for someone else, potentially leading to emotional pain and jealousy. Individual needs and desires might also shift if a partner realizes they want the type of sexual and emotional intimacy present in other marriages and they’d like to move on from their current arrangement.

In many lavender marriages today, the pair has a mutual understanding that they don’t have compatible sexual orientations. However, there is deception in some cases, where one partner isn’t aware (or, in some cases, acts like they don’t know) that they are in a mixed-orientation marriage. In such cases, this betrayal of trust can create emotional distress and other difficulties. In general, when a marriage is founded on unspoken agreements, one or both parties may end up suffering in silence without support. 

Identity suppression and sexual orientation

Lavender marriages formed for survival in hostile environments may come with complications stemming from identity suppression and internal conflict. The need to lead a double life and conceal one's true sexual orientation—within and without the context of marriage—can lead to emotional strain and isolation. 

Prioritizing others' needs and expectations over one's personal truth can also lead to emotional burden. Additionally, while individual lavender marriages are often used to navigate social challenges or avoid serious harm, as a broader trend, they might perpetuate stereotypes and hinder progress towards full LGBTQ+ acceptance and equality in same-sex relationships. 

The potential psychological toll of concealing one’s sexual orientation

Studies suggest that individuals who are closeted regarding their homosexual or bisexual orientation often experience increased risk for various mental health conditions compared to those who are able to live openly in regards to their sexual orientation. These findings span across age, socioeconomic status, and minority status; however, it might be prudent to note that previous research also suggests the relationship between concealment and mental health can be complex and nuanced, with some studies showing that concealment can be protective in certain contexts.  

Depression

Research indicates that sexual minority individuals, including those who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or asexual, tend to experience higher rates of depression and depressive symptoms compared to their heterosexual counterparts. This disparity is observed in both adults and youth. The reasons for this are varied but tend to stem primarily from the alienation, harassment, and even violence LGBTQ+ individuals may experience within their society, religion, and/or family. 

Anxiety

Because of stigma, individuals in the LGBTQ+ community might adapt by developing more hypervigilant attitudes towards social situations, resulting in increased stress in everyday life. Psychologists call this “minority stress,” and it isn't only experienced by those in sexual minority communities, but in many marginalized groups. People who hold multiple marginalized identities may experience overlapping and compounding forms of minority stress—for example, on the basis of both race and sexual orientation, or both gender identity and disability status. Over time, stressful situations can evolve into chronic stress that permeates every aspect of life and persists long after a particular stressful incident has passed.

Substance use and eating disorders

Research associates LGBTQ+ adults and adolescents with a greater likelihood of mental health conditions due to heightened stress and depression caused by stigma and discrimination. These conditions are further linked with incidences of eating disorders and disordered eating behaviors. Overall, data indicate that gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and gender non-conforming adults and adolescents may be at a higher risk of eating disorders than their non-LGBTQ+ counterparts. 

Authenticity and the path to healing 

While lavender marriages can be beneficial, individuals living in one may also experience emotional isolation and loneliness as well as mental health challenges like stress, anxiety, and depression—especially in situations where one or both partners are closeted. Further, living inauthentically in this way can erode self-esteem and result in feelings of shame and guilt related to one's sexual orientation. 

That said, studies have indicated that higher levels of social support may act as a buffer against the adverse effects of stigma, discrimination, and other stressors on mental health. This means that individuals with strong social support networks may be less likely to experience mental health challenges even when facing adversity. With a strong support system of LGBTQ+ peers, counselors, online communities, and trusted friends and family, individuals may be able to find support and healing.

Even if a person lives in a context where they can’t be out, can’t connect to queer community, and/or have to remain in a lavender marriage, other forms of support may be available for coping with these challenges.

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Seeking LGBTQ+ affirming therapy 

The journey towards healing can be challenging, but remember that you are not alone. Supportive individuals, including therapists experienced in addressing LGBTQ+ issues, can help you navigate this process.

If you’re unable to safely seek this type of support in person in your local area, you might consider connecting with a mental health professional online instead—which you can do from anywhere you have an internet connection. Online therapy platforms like BetterHelp partner with tens of thousands of licensed therapists, which can increase your chances of matching with someone who suits your needs.

Online therapy allows individuals to attend sessions from the comfort of home, work, the library, or another safe place on a schedule that fits their lifestyle—and can be for a lower cost than traditional treatment without insurance.

Additionally, research suggests that online therapy can often be similarly effective to in-person therapy—including for individuals experiencing stigma and other mental health challenges associated with societal views on their sexual identity. For example, a 2022 review of 32 digital mental health interventions published in JMIR Mental Health suggests that internet-delivered cognitive behavioral therapy (iCBT) was associated with reduced depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation in LGBTQ+ populations.